We have two broken toasters in the house, both of which have been dud for years.  Actually I never knew one of them when it worked, it having been brought here from his father’s mending pile to join ours, many years ago. The other toaster, given to me over 30 years ago, has done me well before packing up in about 2018.  Since then both have been waiting for the practical man to … I don’t really know … source parts, take them apart, put them back together again? I believe that’s what is meant to happen. 

Friends who come to stay look very confused and a little downcast at breakfast where there is therefore a poor toasting game.  Bread is put on the right hand plate of the aga and if you time it right might be turned before burning/sticking to it.  Most days I open the hot plate to find a charred piece of bread that Zam has forgotten before heading to work.  When I found this again last week I took a unilateral decision to invest in a new toaster. 

I paid a visit to a well known department store in order to see for myself, feel their sturdiness and so on.

I googled and I couldn’t decide so I paid a visit to a well known department store in order to see for myself, feel their sturdiness and so on.   There were several models, all of which were for display with an accompanying notice that read “available online” which defeated the object obviously of coming home with a goddam toaster.  This failed mission gave Zam the chance to beg me for another week before I condemned him to useless consumption with built in obsolescence.

I think is how he termed it.

Yesterday Zam locked his keys in the boot of his car as he was heading out with wine deliveries.  I found two spare sets in the drawer and drove them over but neither worked so I went to Halfords and bought new batteries and bleep bleep, all was good.  This reminds me of the one and only time I have been a sensible parent:  One of our children, then aged about 4, stuck a bead up his nose and every time I said “blow” he sucked in his nostrils with intensity.  Luckily my godson had put a frozen pea up his nostril some weeks earlier and at A&E the medic sucked it out with a straw.  Which is what I did with the bead.  This was a very proud moment for an impractical woman.

I have also solved the toaster issue.  I have oatcakes for breakfast.